My third? Fifth? First real thought of the day was “I could never be in a Korean drama, I’m too much of a dick”. These are the tried thoughts of someone still regaining motor skills in the morning. As if it were a possible concept to suddenly make one’s life resemble a Korean drama. And one could qualify through possessing an altruistic personality or dispossessing their current dickish personality. The math sounded right.
For that brief moment I thought I didn’t deserve or wasn’t qualified to enjoy the encompassing themes of a Korean drama TV series, such as: Love, sincerity, kindness, resilience to bad fortune, friendship, and grand happiness.
And it made me think of so many people who themselves believe that as well. That their happiness isn’t warranted to them because they have some how failed in their minds of some self accord, parental accord.
I shouldn’t have to say, but I need to say, that everyone has felt tarnished. Everyone has failed and embarrassed themselves beyond what they conceived was physically possible. There is no lie greater than the lie of believing you may be the only one who has felt it.
And so this leads to my friend, who on Thursday Feb, 12th 2015, decided to he would die. He passed away believing he was worthless, unfit to breathe the air, painfully helpless to a dark voice plaguing his mind, and that he would be unable to ascend pass past traumas. Hardly anyone knew any of this. I had invited him to all my birthdays, and did not even know his.
There was a letter. The saddest, most sorrowful kind. It was general, unaware of the feelings on the faces he would leave behind, and content to go. And that’s what he did on the other side of the world, far from all who cried out for him.
I look up at the air space of any room I’m in and sometimes wonder if he now knows how universal his feelings were.
Did you know there are others who suffered in pain just like you?
Did you know you were important?
Did you know so many people wanted to be there for you?
Did you know how much it would hurt everybody?
Did you know you were needed?
Did you know we tried to save you?
Days before he died, he had come to me for advice. He was trying to ask me how suicidal and depressed people like himself can get over the past. I was actually too busy giving the advice he asked for that I didn’t even notice or listen to him properly. Most people who have a horrible past, do not focus on it. They don’t block it out, but they also don’t give it any attention or energy. They occupy themselves with the present and work towards a better life. And that’s what I told him. To take control. To live well now.
The day before that I had given him advice too and he had come back to ask for more. On the second day I wish I had shut up and listened. I wish I could have made silence and peace his safe way to walk towards me. To write down a distress signal. I’m so sorry my friend, that I was caught up in myself.
What do you say to the dead? Because I honestly don’t know. Can you ask them for help on stupid trivial human problems? Can you lecture to yourself about how insanely selfish and inconsiderate that is? Can you lecture their ghost about how insanely selfish and inconsiderate they acted? Can you resolve to find peace with what they did by mentally scolding them? Can you apologize to them for not crying as much as you wanted? Can you blame yourself? Can you blame them? Can you redeem them and yourself by forever being nicer to everybody? Can they see you naked?
It’s a lot of mental grind. To think about. To accept. There are no answers. There’s just an incomplete life. He was young. He never got to live out his Korean drama.